*blows dust off blog* Welp. It’s been years probably since I posted anything in this place, and that’s for reasons that I think should be obvious to anyone who’s lived through the past few years. Particularly, anyone who’s a Gen Z or a Millennial or a younger Gen-Xer who’s had to figure out how to stay sane in a world that has grown increasingly…Dark Souls-like. (My son has recently started enjoying FromSoftware games after helping me beat Dark Souls III, and the difficulty feels a bit cathartic in these troubling times).
I have way, way more thoughts about that kind of stuff that I won’t delve into here, mainly because I do tend to save it for my actual work. And there’s a lot of it piling up here. Even though I’ve mostly withdrawn from social media and many of my writing/SFF groups, I’ve still been writing diligently. I’ve come to treasure those moments of sanity, and chose to prioritize the things that have always taken me through dark times (writing and family/friends, mainly). Turns out that’s all I really need.
It’s been mind-blowing once I made the decision to turn my focus away from chasing the highs of writing to just buckling down and getting some sort of structure going on. One of the biggest changes I’ve made in my life is to be more organized (while reminding myself I have ADHD)–this means no hiding the mess away, but grouping things together, using open or clear storage, and throwing shit I don’t have any more use for. I’ve slowly managed to clear out our crawlspace (all while throwing away other people’s crap–part of my newfound peace comes from removing the guilt of “my” mess and understanding that I’ve just been passively letting other people use our extra room for storage of things they don’t want to throw away…Filipino families, iykyk) and use it as my new, distraction-free office; my youngest daughter is temporarily using my old office as her playroom/bedroom until we can afford to build new bedrooms in the house, but I may end up not moving back in, as I really like the peace and quiet down here.
Reorganizing the entire house has surprisingly been really good for my brain. When I know where things are supposed to be, then I don’t have to hold them in my head, which clears up space for more important things. Like um, writing stuff. I could suddenly think?! And see plot shit? And plan things out better? Absolute sorcery. I realized that on first drafts, I absolutely do nothing but vomit out my feelings and emotions and the story onto the page (I can see all my alpha readers cringeing and nodding along to this), but I need a clear head for revisions and everything beyond that. And just understanding the balance between these two things…removes a lot of the guilt that has me feeling stuck when it comes to my work. Turns out, it’s okay to have shitty first drafts! That means you’re holding nothing back! You just need a clear head (or a good developmental editor) for the rest.
The other healthy habit I’ve built up that I intend to continue from here on out are “healthy” dopamine choices that I partition out over the day in order to better control my ADHD. This means exercising in the morning and afternoon, and not neglecting my chores (which I have hacked by doing them while listening to audiobooks or podcasts). I’ve also somewhat gone back to having more structure over the week, e.g. I dedicate specific hours of the day to work, study, and chores, which you know…my brain actively resists, but I think that struggle keeps me on my toes and helps me feel alive.
Of course, all this means I’m now sitting on a mountain of either completed or half-completed projects. I’m going to spend some time this year finding ways to launch them into the ether. I’m sort of proud that I managed to get a chunk of work done considering all most of us really wanted to do the last few years was curl up in a ball and sob (and believe me, that temptation is still just a step away). Both The Dageian Puppetmaster and Blackwood Marauders now have “series ender” books in the final stages of completion–they basically just need a couple of final chapters to wrap up, followed by one last editing pass from my end, before they land in my copyeditor’s inbox. I have one polished, completed manuscript of a new world (a historical epic fantasy) ready to be hurled in some sort of direction, which we’re sort of narrowing down this year. I have another new book in a new world that I’m hoping to sub to trad pub, two first drafts (also first books of new worlds), one outline for a cozy project that is probably going to turn dark really fucking fast, and uhhh…I’m also finally working on the narrative for that Agos-agan RPG that I’ve been dying to do for decades.
Turns out it’s still chaos or nothing for me.
