It’s a new year at last, and even with all these other things I’ve got brewing in the background, I’m standing at yet another precipice, looking down at my next big project. Nervous as hell, for so many reasons.
I’ve written in the past about how I tried to approach the world-building for Agos-agan in a way that didn’t revolve around colonialism. I wanted to celebrate Filipino culture and myths without that taint. Part of that involved having to create different nations to allow the diversity of the Philippines to shine, and to create a backdrop for different experiences. Obviously, this didn’t work as well as I intended, as certain nations ended up having to deal with it anyway, e.g. the people from the islands of Gorent, Shi-uin, etc. I also had to heavily “borrow” more recognizable East Asian structures for such places as Jin-Sayeng…and even then it started to leak into that same territory, with regards to their relation with the empire across the sea and how that has influenced their own culture and politics.
There is an old Filipino idiom that goes: “Sa hinaba-haba ng prusisyon, sa simbahan din ang hantong.” (Despite the length of the procession, it still ends up in church.) Which usually refers to a long courtship still ending in the couple getting hitched, but to which I’ve also thought alluded to the inevitability of certain things. Call it destiny, if you want. Fate. I just think of it as the way things are. I am a product of my circumstances and there are things I can’t escape from.
The heart wants what it wants. Well over eight books later and I’m starting to think that maybe what it wants is to prod at an old sorrow some more, to try to glean what I can from it, how it applies to what I know of the way things are. I write to express and nothing more, and this sometimes takes me down some very scary roads. But an oft-repeated writing advice is to write about the things that scare you, and this is one theme, one topic, that has scared me for the longest time.
So I’ll be writing it soon. But even with decades of research, and with my husband’s support (he can spout minute details of Philippine history, right down to the dates, for me faster than Alexa can), I still feel like I don’t have enough. I’m afraid of things ringing false, of writing an empty shell with all the right trappings but not what truly matters. How do I even start? I was just some kid who read obscure books as a way to reconnect with the country she left (but didn’t want to leave) behind. And I mean, it’s fantasy, you can make a lot of stuff up, but you can’t make up heart or the message, and that’s always scary. To make the complex into something tangible enough for another to understand–Jesus, you can write books on that subject alone.
But here I am. I have every intention to craft this thing with love and care, as I always do. The rest is up to destiny, fate. To the inevitable. It’s all I can do.
To a new year, and new beginnings!
