It’s been five days since The Wolf of Oren-yaro was released.
The response has been overwhelming, to say the least. I hit 4 digits on the Amazon Bestseller’s List for the first time. Nothing to write home about, except maybe for me, since within 24 hours alone I may have sold more books than I did last year.
I am still very much in the red, but I’ve been able to pay off my artist–nowhere near what she’s worth, but we have a thing going on, and she understands. She, along with a bunch of others, understand what I am putting on this project. To see it sell, even if I am still four digits away from making back costs, is a glimmer of hope in what has otherwise been a shit few years.
I didn’t really want to do this, you understand. Publishing my books with the intention of profit, I mean. I was okay with just writing for over two decades not really wanting much more than the craft, and even when I published Jaeth’s Eye and finished Aina’s Breath, I was still very much a “hobby writer.” I lean way too much on the “art” side of things, playing with the craft, with my stories, and maybe even my readers’ feelings. Confused or mistrustful of Enosh? Find Talyien too dry and rigid and boring in the beginning? Notice how your reaction mirrors the characters they interact with? It’s always a work in progress, a sort of imperfect madness.
Writing with a commercial bend in mind takes it another whole step, one which had pitfalls I wasn’t really fully prepared for. I remember the night before Aina’s Breath and Sapphire’s Flight were released. I was counting down the hours to my r/fantasy reddit announcement, and I was freaking out. I had to message a friend to calm me down because the anxiety was taking over. I’m not sure I really have the personality to handle being a “professional author.” I can’t self-promote without adding disclaimers. Hearing praise can set me back just as easily as criticisms, to the point that sometimes I just want to shut out everything but feedback from a few select people. As much progress as I’ve made over this whole endeavour, it’s been mentally taxing, and it’s just discipline and the encouragement from several folks that keeps me going most days.
The thing is, at this point in my life, I don’t know what other choices I have. I want to secure my family’s future, but I’ve tried it all the other ways and none have worked out. My limitations remain a hindrance–anxiety issues, mental shit, the fact that I can’t even make a phone call without it weighing my entire week down. And now that I see that this can work out, that my imperfect books can sell, I have to keep going. Swallow my fears, stop complaining, and start up the mountain once more.
As far as the actual writing is concerned, I think it’s going well. I’m working on the beginning of Act Three of The Ikessar Falcon, and have managed to tighten up the narrative based on my last beta-reader’s feedback. If I can clean it up within the month, it’ll probably still be ready for a mid-year release–looking closer to June or July this year, and I can go back and work on The Xiaran Mongrel. At this point, I’ve got tunnel vision and can’t see much outside of this trilogy, and I really appreciate all the patience and support that have helped me get this far.
